| Alone Again, Naturally |
[09 Jul 2005|10:42am] |
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Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan |
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It's been nearly a year since I last wrote - what a shame!!!
But my personal life still sucks! Emmet is still in Ft Lauderdale, and the last time I saw him was in May. Our 4th anniversary is on Monday, and it seems that it will be the last one for us. The inevitable is finally upon us...we are going to get a divorce. And even though I know it is for the best, it is totally breaking my heart. And I am in such a funk.....Which is to be expected, I know.
Hurricane Dennis is passing through our area today, so we have gray, rainy, and windy weather. Seems that Sarasota is spared once again of a direct hit from a hurricane - praise God!!
Amber and Victoria are at work right now, and Jason is asleep. Bobby is in Ft Myers, more than likely working right now too. His girlfriend, Brandy is in Montana visiting with her aunt. I have the most wonderful, supportive kids. I feel bad that they have to put up with all my bullshit though. One of these days, things will straighten themselves out. Maybe once Emmet is out of the picture...
Speaking of such, I find it hard to think about my life without him in it. Waiting for his phone calls and his visits. What do I have to look forward to now?
He says he wants to remain in contact, and deep in my heart, I do too. But not right away. I can't stand the thought of hearing him talk about someone he's met or fallen in love with - that would just kill me. I do wish him the best and that he finds someone more suited to him. As for me, I have no desire to be involved with anyone. But I am sure those feelings will pass! All I know for sure is, if I meet another Capricorn, I am going to run for my life!!! Having been married to 2 of them, and failing with both - never again!
In 2 weeks I am driving alone to Arkansas to visit my mother. I am really looking forward to it. Having some time alone with my thoughts on the road trip and then seeing my mother - the most wonderful person I know. I really need to see her. I need that unconditional love that I get from only her. Some things we never outgrow.
Well, I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am going to close for now.
Thanks for listening...
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| I'm a Winner!!!! |
[30 Jul 2004|06:39pm] |
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It's a Miracle |
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Well, I left work early on Wednesday because I was sick - which is a rarity for me, but I think I had the flu. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday, but did go in to work because I just can't afford to miss 2 days in one week!! And I am soo glad that I did!
Work was slow, the phones weren't really ringing and I had the radio on, as always, listening to Dove 92.1 (easy listening). I thought that over the past few days I had been hearing Barry Manilow concert mentioned, but didn't really listen. So, yesterday, I heard them say that the 7th caller would win 2 tickets to see him in Tampa at the St Pete Times Forum on October 30th - then they gave the number. I quickly wrote it down and called thinking, there's no way! The first time it rang once, then nothing. So I hung up, and hit redial....I got an answer and the lady started by asking if I had won anything in the past 30 days, I said no, and she proceeded to ask my name, address, etc. She told me I could pick up my tickets in the next 2 weeks! I won 2 tickets to see Barry!! On his One Night Live/One Last Time Tour!! This is to be his final tour!!!!
I went to pick up the tickets today, but they hadn't arrived at the station yet, so I have to call the middle of next week before going to pick them up. I am soo jazzed!!!
I was also offered a part-time job by a building contractor who came into the office to give a deposit for a couple of jobs we are going to do for him. It could be interesting to learn something new, although I would be helping him with Quickbooks - the program we use at work. It would be doing basically what I am doing now, only like 4-6 hours a week - probably on Saturdays. He seems like a nice guy who just needs a bit of help with his paperwork. I told him I would think about it - but I don't want to do anything to make my bosses feel like I am looking for something else or threatened. So, I will pray to make the right decision...
I still don't feel the best today, but I am just happy that I have some other things to think about other than Emmet Hand!
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| Dazed and Confused... |
[19 Jul 2004|05:40pm] |
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I don't know where to start, so I will keep this short and sweet, because otherwise, I think I could ramble on and on...
I am feeling lonely and confused. I went to Ft Lauderdale to spend the weekend with my husband and it started out really bad - it did get better, eventually. He informed me that I had really invited myself over, since I was on vacation and he would rather come to Sarasota to see me. Sounds very welcoming, huh? I think he couldn't wait for me to leave!
I felt uncomfortable and I had just started my period, therefore I was feeling pretty emotional. His attitude wasn't too friendly, so I reacted in kind. Of course, I was being a bitch then! At one point, he told me he was gonna take me to the bus station - he wanted me out of his house! The one thing I was afraid would happen, happened! He changed his mind and ended up apologizing, but I think he couldn't wait for me to be gone. He says he likes being alone and I do believe that!
As I told Emmet, I want a real marriage! He thinks we have one. But living over 200 miles apart isn't the kind of marriage I want! I know that much. He doesn't see us living together again anytime soon - and this weekend convinced him even more. So, he decides how and when we see each other. He is in control - just like he likes it. And I am left feeling lonely and confused. It doesn't seem like this is how love is supposed to be. And I don't think I should have to settle for his scraps. Now, if I can just find the courage to do something about it!
Today is Jason's 21st birthday and tonight we celebrate! So, I have to get out of this funk and try to think happy thoughts!
Wish me luck...
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[30 May 2004|05:41pm] |
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Camp...the movie |
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It has been quite awhile since I last wrote, but what can I say? I really have no excuse!
It is Memorial Day weekend and it is great to have an extra day off! I really need it! A couple of weeks ago, my boss made me fire my co-worker Libby! I did make $100.00 for doing it, but that makes me sound even worse for doing it! She couldn't do it herself, so she bribed me. And it went pretty well. Libby is doing good and we still talk - but I still feel like a heartless bitch and I really don't like that! But since she is no longer working, and we haven't hired anyone else for the office, I have been working extra hours. This was the first Saturday that I didn't work in the past month. I love the overtime pay though! $19.50 an hour - I can live with that!!
On May 12th, Emmet and I had to go to Tampa to the BCIS (Bureau of Citizen and Immigration Services)for an interview for his Green Card. We were preparing for it for the month prior - getting all the paperwork we needed, including affidavits from people verifying that we are indeed a couple and not just a marriage of convenience. We had an 8:30 am appt, and got there about 15 after 8 am. We were standing outside and his name was called, then after going thru security, we were ushered in for him to have fingerprints taken and then into the interviewer's office. The 8:15 am appt had cancelled, so we got in early! The lady interviewing us was soo cool and after about 3 minutes, she said she was going to approve him - even before looking at all the paperwork. She was a real observant person and I think she saw that there was real emotion between us. She told me not to feel bad about our age difference - if she had a younger man, she would be bragging about it!! She was really funny and cool! But she said she wasn't always - she is hard when she has to be. We had some extra time and just visited with her until time for her next appt. She signed off on Emmet's passport and said he could fly to Ireland that day, if he wanted to! And be able to come back!! He no longer has to worry about a work authorization card or anything! Finally!!! It was a wonderful day for both of us.
He left to go back to Ft Lauderdale the next day, and I haven't seen him since! He's been working and when he did have days off - his old childhood friend from Ireland went to visit him. Damien Flood - he was in Orlando going to helicopter flying school. He will be back in a year to stay for 2 years. Emmet is excited about that, and said they had a great visit. Damien came with his girlfriend, Martina. (real Irish name, huh?)
The other night, Emmet called me in the middle of the night (he does this quite often - he works 10pm - 6am)holding his phone up to the radio while "The Reason" by Hoobastank was playing. God, I love that song! It is so great! The first time I heard that song, I thought, man, I wish that was how Emmet felt about me. And when he called the other night playing that, he told me he loves that song too and it is exactly how he feels about me! I couldn't believe it!! Last night he called me again when it played. And he called me when he heard "Unchained Melody" and also when "If You're Not the One". It's really sweet, but I don't often get a full night's sleep! It is nice to know he is thinking of me!
We have such an odd relationship and I don't know how long it can go on... I miss him all the time. But we get along so much better not living together!
Amber is going to go to California in less than 2 weeks and I do feel a bit envious! I miss my family there and the beauty of California.
But I have been enjoying the benefits of Florida too.
I am no longer doing Atkins - it proved to be too hard on my stomache! But I am a failure, once again! This morning and yesterday, I did go walking on the beach for exercise and I am really proud of myself!! I am also really sore! Walking in sand is really hard on the legs! But I need to keep doing this. I haven't gained any weight since stopping Atkins,and I don't want to! So, I am still kinda trying to watch what I eat and I know walking is going to be a good start to an exercise program.
Well, I think that's it for now....
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| There's no fool like an old fool... |
[09 Apr 2004|11:26pm] |
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Alanis Morrissette |
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I am sooo down and discouraged and depressed and humiliated and really feeling sorry for myself....and alot of other feelings.
And it has to do with my asshole husband, who, I need to realize, doesn't really give a shit about me. I need to just move on with my life and let go of him once and for all! Why does one put oneself through emotional turmoil when it really isn't healthy? You would think that I would've learned a long time ago, that this man that I love is not deserving of me or my heart.
I prayed to God to show me the sign - if Emmet's heart was true...He showed me the sign that I asked for and I still chose to ignore Him and to believe in Emmet. How stupid is that??
My favorite chapter in the bible is called the Love Chapter: 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, expect the best of him, and always stnd your ground in defending him."
I feel that is the way love should be - unfortunately, I haven't found a man who believes that way too. And I am truly beginning to wonder if there is even one out there who does.
This week at work, a co-worker actually asked me out! I am not interested in him that way, but it was very flattering to think that someone is even interested in me! But he is very nice and is very attentive and Emmet doesn't have time for me at all! He just moved over to Ft Lauderdale (about 200 miles away) this week. Before he left he said we would stay in close contact - visit each other on weekends, etc. He called me tonight to bitch me out! Other than that, he has called twice - collect - for only a minute or two. Tonight he says he is working double shifts and doesn't have time to call me. I checked an email that I sent him, and noticed he read it last night, but he must not have had time to answer me either. Don't know how he found time to get to a computer! I told him I could come see him, and he doesn't have time for that either...
God told me...and I didn't listen. But I'm listening now! And it is breaking my heart. And I should've been smarter than I have been. Where do I go from here? All I can do is pray for strength and His guidance.
I thought it would help to get my feelings out...and to burden anyone who may be reading this!
Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure I will be feeling better.
Hope next time I write I will be in a better frame of mind!
Later --
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[02 Apr 2004|06:12pm] |
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Well, it has been awhile since I have written, so I thought it might be time...
Jason is here! And it is really good to have all of my kids here. I haven't seen Bobby since the end of January! That is not good at all! We talk pretty often, but still...2 months? We have to remedy that situation!
Well, the latest with Emmet is that he may be moving to Ft Lauderdale -the east coast of Florida. About 3 - 4 hours away. He is going to train to manage a porn shop! Nice, huh? At first, I was like, good-bye marriage! But he came and asked me my permission! I was like, I'm not your mother, you don't have to ask my permission! But he said if I was going to divorce him, if he took the job, then he would decline. No job would be worth losing me. Sounds pretty good, huh? But I told him, it might be worth giving it a try. Who knows? He would like for us to spend weekends together, both here and there. And that sounds good, but it sure will be different not having him here in town.
He has been coming over alot - even after saying that he wouldn't come to visit once Jason came! But he comes for a little while, then he goes home. And it has been fine. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet, that he will be leaving, but then nothing has been finalized yet either. He is supposed to find out today when he will start - I haven't heard from him today yet.
Work has been hectic as usual! I could really use some time off, but damn it! I just can't afford it! I have a new computer on layaway at Wal-Mart (oh the thought of a faster computer!!!)and I need to pay that off over the next 2 months! $850.00 - God, I hope I can do it! That is alot of money! But, I am determined...
I thought I would just write a few lines..but I always seem to get carried away!
I will go now though - my eyes are tired from staring at a screen all day!!
See ya!
Andi
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| First Day of Spring! |
[20 Mar 2004|08:27am] |
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25 years ago today, I met my children's father. Prior to this,I had told myself that when Spring came,it was time for me to fall in love. I had no idea it would be on the first day of Spring though. We married shortly thereafter, and had our first baby, Amber Nicole, shortly thereafter!
Anyway, I spent the day with my current husband - at the immigration office in Tampa. He had to get fingerprints made for his Green Card. How exciting is that?! 4 hours of waiting...
But we had a good time, sad as it is! We talked and laughed and the time didn't seem quite as long. This is the most time we have spent together since before he moved out! And it was lovely.
We are talking about staying married, but living apart. And I have been reading up on this, and it does work for some people. You end up not taking each other for granted. And in our case, I think that is a good thing! Probably for most people. Maybe it is human nature for us to take the ones we love for granted....
I love him and he loves me, bottom line. I know that nobody else can understand what I see in him, but I do love him. And I want to believe in him more than anything. Neither one of us wants to give up on each other, and I think that must say something, right?
In other news, I am really getting burned out at work and am not too sure what to do about it. Maybe an extra day off might be good. But I will have to wait until next month, when hopefully,I will be more able to afford it!
Jason Michael is coming to Florida and I am really jazzed about it! All 3 of my kids in the same state with me!! WooHoo! It's gonna be great. I told Jason he needs to bring Don with him, then we could all be happy. There is plenty of work here! And we always have room for him. He's part of our family.
But I don't know if he would go for it. I just hope that he will at least come for a visit!
We will all have to work on that! :)
See y'all later!
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[04 Mar 2004|09:37pm] |
It has been awhile since I last wrote, basically because I have no life!
But since my last entry, I have started the Atkin Diet - oh, no, let me correct myself - the Atkins Nutrtional something or other! Amber has been on this "program" for awhile now, and I could see the weight she has lost, so I figured, what do I have to lose (other than weight!)? I did have to psyche myself out beforehand too!
Last Monday I had planned on starting this diet, and that morning, Emmet showed up here at the house! It totally took me by surprise and shook me mentally and emotionally. We had a few words, but he stayed about an hour. He said he came by cuz he missed me and wanted to see me. But he also said that since he has been away, he has had alot less stress. I said I did too. I still love him very very much and seeing him was difficult. I told him that I knew he was checking his email at all hours and not to try and hide it or lie about it! Since then, we have been in touch regularly.
I told him last night, the first time we have been online at the same time and were "chatting" with each other - that we had come full-circle. We started out by chatting online over 4 years ago.
He said that once he is working, he would like for us to go out for a meal. And that he thinks that our problem is that as soon as we met, we started living together - we never had a chance to date, or whatever! I told him, it's a bit late now to go back to holding hands! I guess the bottom line is, neither one of us wants to totally let go.
But he has been gone for a little over a month now. Amber and I have been spending alot of quality time together and its been great! Not only is she my daughter, but she is my friend. I am soo blessed!
Work has been busy and I have been cranky! I feel I need an extra day off! For real....I just have to convince my boss!!
My son Jason is considering moving back here to Florida. I would love for him to be here and have all 3 of my children in the same state with me!! It's been years since that has happened! Bobby is like an hour or so away and it would be soo great to have them all near me. But my main concern is Jason's happiness and I know that he's happiest when he is with Don. I love seeing them together, because they are always happy to be together! It really warms my heart and I love Don like he is my own. He is part of our family! So, I know that Jason being here would just be hard on both of them.
Bobby is doing fine. I don't get to talk to him often enough or see him often enough. But he seems to be okay. He and Brandy bought a used washer and dryer and are thrilled to have it in their apt! If anyone knows Bobby, they know he is fanatical about his clothes! He changes clothes often! When he was living with me, when I did laundry, most of the clothes being washed were his! It's good that he likes to be clean, but he has ALOT of clothes!! Last time we went to Ft Myers to see him, his apartment was looking real cute! He even had fresh flowers! He says he likes to have them in his place. (he gets that from me!I love flowers!!) He is doing really well for himself and I am soo proud of him!
Well, I guess I have rattled on way too long...
Take care all!
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| T.G.I.F. |
[20 Feb 2004|07:28am] |
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Thank God this week is over!! My bosses went out of town for the week and I have been pretty much responsible for making sure everyone is kept busy working, staying until everyone has gone for the day,then locking up. For anyone who doesn't know my working situation, where I work is also where the owners live. So basically, I am responsible for their home as well as their business! Their son lives in town too, but he passes the buck to me! I don't mind, but have been working extra hours. On top of all the other crap going on in my mind and with my emotions - I'm a wreck! (what else is new?)
I haven't heard from Emmet all week. I know he has been checking his email, cuz I can tell thru billing/session activity. The thing is, I wrote him a couple of emails that were pretty strong - but then chickened out and un-sent them. However, I don't know if this un-sending on aol actually works! If it doesn't and he received the one email that I think he did, then I am not surprised that I haven't heard from him! But, as time goes on, it is getting somewhat easier. I still miss him like crazy, but I am feeling stronger everyday. I have to concentrate on not how much I miss him, but the unhealthiness (is that a word???) of our relationship. It has been no bed of roses from the start!
I think this is the time for me to take for me. Figure out what's best for me, instead of worrying about making someone else happy. Is that wrong? I feel as if that is selfish.
I have to go and find out where my dinner is (delivery is late!!)
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| Valentine's Day |
[14 Feb 2004|09:57am] |
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"I Can Only Imagine" |
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Happy Valentine's Day to all!
It has been a dreary day today and this evening all it has done is rain. And it has been raining in my heart too.
Emmet sent me an e-card for Valentine's Day and he has emailed me like 3 times this week. It is good to hear from him, although my responses to him have been rather brief. I don't want him to think that everything is just dandy between us. I still don't know what is going to happen with us....only time will tell.
I told Jason to download a song that I just love! It is soo stupid, for anyone who knows the song, "I Can Only Imagine" - it is a beautiful Christian song and it is very obvious if you listen to the words. I had heard the song a number of times on the radio and the only thing that stuck in my head was the title, but I never really listened to the words until just a couple of days ago and I was soo touched that they were singing about meeting Jesus! But such an idiot to never notice that before!!
Work has been my saving grace - getting me through the days. But I have been having trouble sleeping..or getting to sleep, I should say. Too many thoughts in my head, too many unanswered questions. Last night however, I went to dinner with this lady I work with. It was good to be in a different environment, to get out of the house. This woman, Libby, is really hard to describe - she is very abrasive, would probably be the best way to describe her. She is very nosey and doesn't mind asking people really personal questions. She can be nice too, I mean, I guess we are friends. But I would never confide in her, because she would tell everybody! And she gets on my nerves at work! So, why did I go to dinner with her? I have no idea!! But it was okay and was much better than spending 8 hours with the woman!
Needless to say, I haven't told her that my husband has been gone for nearly 2 weeks. It's really none of her business and I am not ready for everyone at work to know yet.
I am watching the "Princess Diaries" on TV. I love this movie!Even tho I am 43 years old! Go figure...
Bye for now!
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[11 Feb 2004|10:31am] |
I am sitting here watching Jerry Springer and somehow, my life doesn't seem too bad! Amber has gone out to some drag-show (a Wednesday night ritual for her and her friends). I still haven't spoken with my husband for over a week now, but he did send me an email. He said he misses me and is looking for work and he signed off -"love you always & 4ever". But he didn't say where he was and if he plans on coming back or if this is permanent split for him. As far as I am concerned, I'm not too sure. I miss him...alot. But as time goes on, I am getting more and more used to him not being here. I have been sleeping alone for months now - he was staying up all night and sleeping all day, so I am used to that. But our kitty is really really missing him! She doesn't know what to do with herself!
Work is a blessing for me...sad, but true. It is nice to have something else to think about! And it seems I am working late every day - no need to rush home! But there's always lots of work for me to do, so I don't mind. Of course, the overtime is good too!
Jason called me this morning from the corner of Hollywood and Vine, where he was waiting to see Britney Spears on the Ryan Seacrest show! He sounded sooo excited! It was good to hear him happy like that. Unfortunately, another line rang and I had to go...I sure hope he had a good time!
I spoke to my other son, Bobby and he had just got home from going grocery shopping - so domestic!! All my kids seem to be pretty happy. Amber could be a bit happier, if she would hear from a certain someone, but...
I am glad that they are doing well...it seems to help me feel better. My life is blessed and I am thankful.
I will leave my marriage in God's hands and try not to worry about it...
(easier said than done!)
Take care all!
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[07 Feb 2004|09:46pm] |
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Well, here I am again, as I sit alone on a Saturday night. My husband has left again, and I do believe that this time may be for good. But as I have been writing here, things have not been the best. So, I asked him to leave on Monday night, and Tuesday he did. He called me at work to tell me that he couldn't take all of his stuff at that time and I told him okay and he said I guess I will see you sometime..
But he took all of his hang-up clothes with hangers! So I assume he has some place to hang them up! He could not have taken the amount of things he did, if he was on foot. So, he is somewhere at someone else's house and for all I know he is shacking up with another woman.
I have been doing pretty good, but it is hard. I woke up this morning after having a dream where he said he was living with "Lynn" - whoever that may be! but he was mumbling, but he said they were gonna have a baby - I know it was just a dream, but I woke up with a start, catching my breath and I just lay there alone in my bed and cried. Pretty pathetic, eh? Our kitty came in and decided to lay with me. She doesn't usually do that, but seems to be sensitive to peoples needs. When I was sick, she kept laying in bed with me. And when Emmet is sick, she seems to stay by him too.
Actually, the poor kitty is really missing him since he has been gone. He was her favorite! But she will be okay, and so will I. I know that he has left plenty of times before, but this time really feels permanent.
God help me get through this!
MY kids have been great with me. Especially Amber, since she is living in the house with me. My sons, Bobby and Jason are very supportive as well, but I know that they worry about me. But they shouldn't... I am a grown woman and I will be okay. I am a survivor!!
I am trying hard not to feel guilty for asking him to leave. When he called me on Tuesday to say he was going, I told him he didn't have to, but he said he didn't want to live with someone who doesn't trust him (I had told him Monday night that I don't want to live with someone I can't trust). I hurt him badly...I know this. But it works both ways. I hate being lied to!! Or having things kept from me and Emmet is very very secretive. So, in the long run, we are probably better off apart. But I do love him very much and it will take me a long time to get over him. My heart feels so heavy right now.
But I am starting to feel like crying, so I am gonna stop writing right now.
Pray for me....please!
Later all -
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| New Icon! |
[07 Feb 2004|06:28pm] |
I just wanted to see this great new icon that my son Jason sent me the link to!
Will write more later!
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| Another Year Older... |
[29 Jan 2004|08:37pm] |
Well, it has been quite some time since I last wrote and as I just explained to my husband, I guess it's because I haven't been mad at him in quite some time!
And I was sick earlier in the month - even tho it felt like I was sick for months! It really worried me because I wasn't getting better - hell, I even went to the doctor! I never do that! But it is a good thing I did - I found out that I have high blood pressure, so I am now on medication for that. I suspected that I might have it, but I guess I didn't want to face it. That is something people who are middle-aged (and old)have! And it's hard to admit, I am middle-aged!! I will turn 43 tomorrow--and to be honest, I would just assume skip this birthday! I'm not all hung up on my age though. Or am I lying to myself?
Sometimes, I look at my young husband, and his freckled face and his hair that I am starting to find gray hairs - and then I look at my weathered face and lift up my hair to see the gray roots,and I feel ancient! But inside, I feel young! And then there are times, I feel pretty young - like at work, where I am the youngest person there! So, what I have determined is: I'm pretty much just nuts! And there you have it!
But today, until I came online and started talking to my son, Jason, I had the blahs. Could have been writing because I am not mad at my husband, but dis-heartened. (is that a word??)
My daughter, Amber,is having the blahs too. Could it be this shithole we live in? It really can be depressing...
I just spoke to my other son, Bobby, and he is kinda down too. But that is because of work - he has to work Sunday, and that will be 7 days this week! He always works 6 days, so really appreciates his Sundays -and we planned on going to Ft Myers to see him (about 80 miles away) this Sunday and his boss knew it! So, he is pretty well pissed off!
So... have I covered everything? Well, I think I must mention something that I think is kind of important...I have LOVED Barry Manilow since I was like 14 (nearly 30 years!!!) He is coming out with a new CD called "2NightsLive" and I can't wait! I don't usually buy CDS (or really listen to them either!), but I must have this!! And I hear that he will be touring this year! So, that is something to look forward to as well. He is the ultimate entertainer! It's true, for those who don't know or believe!!
Well, this seems to be getting out of hand, so it might just be a good time to go!
Take care all!
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| Happy F*&^%ng New Year! |
[01 Jan 2004|07:35am] |
I haven't written in awhile,due to the fact that I have been sick and that I was trying really hard to be nice to my husband. You will probably mainly see me here when things are going wrong, because I have nowhere else to turn. My kids can only hear so much about my marital woes! I am sure that they are tired of hearing me complain, but never make any changes. Well, it is a new year - a time for new beginnings!
At the stroke of midnight, Emmet and I were sitting on the couch watching Dick Clark and the ball, etc. I asked him for a kiss to bring in the new year. No big deal, right? No, he has to make a comment about not being superstitious about anything! I was like, what? To me, it's tradition to kiss, whoever, to bring in the new year! I mean, everybody does it. The point is, just minutes after midnight, we are arguing! And I thought,oh boy, this must be a sign of the year to come and frankly, it's pretty damned depressing!
Things didn't get out of hand, we mellowed out and he had asked me to drink with him, so, we had a few drinks and I went to bed about 3am. Very late for me!
It is going on 8pm now, and I haven't seen or heard from Emmet since I went to bed last night.
This is getting really really old. His coming and going, whenever he pleases. I am anxious to hear his story about where he has been...
I don't want to live my life like this. I feel like I am wasting my time with this loser. I don't like to call names, but this is so ridiculous!
We have been waiting for his authorization to work permit to be renewed and finally got a letter saying he needs to go get fingerprints to get the card. If it had been me, I would have gone the very next day! He still hasn't gone and it is going on 2 weeks now. So, what will his next excuse be about not working?? He is sick? He does have the Crohn's disease and I think he uses it as an excuse when it is convenient for him. I know it is a serious disease, and I have seen him suffer with it, but God forgive me, he does use it in his favor! We have not had sex since November! Because he says he is not well enough to - but he is well enough to do whatever else he wants to do. And the sad thing is, to be honest, it's not that big of a deal to me, not having sex, because I feel like I am losing feelings for him. It's a sad, sad situation.
But it feels good to get these things off my chest! And whoever is out there reading...please just pray for me. Cuz I need all the help I can get!
This year has got to get better!!!
:)
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| FRUSTRATED!!!! |
[17 Dec 2003|08:53am] |
I am writing while I am at work, which I know I shouldn't be doing, but I need a release! I really need to vent because I am sooo frustrated! With my life, with my husband who is so dense it is unbelievable!!
He can't seem to comprehend why I am frustrated and angry with him. And I can't seem to explain it to him, because of my frustration. My God, what a vicious cycle!
He was complaining to me because he did the dishes yesterday, and only a few cups and glasses were his, and he didn't think he should have to do them all. I told him, when I do laundry, not all the clothes I was are mine! Duh! He doesn't do much around the house to help me and condsidering he is unemployed, I feel that doing the dishes isn't too much to ask for! I buy him cigarettes, beer and whatever - I spend alot more money on him than I do myself. I do without, so I can get him the things he needs or wants.
And I am frustrated, because I am supporting him totally and why is that my responsibility? I have raised 3 kids on my own, pretty much - at least financially, and now is the time I should be having extra for myself, at last! But now I have Emmet! And being the "giver" that I am, I put him first. That really makes me mad at myself, but this is my way of life!
There is this book my boss told me I had to read - "Givers and Takers" and it says that in every relationship there is a giver and a taker. Well, I am ready to be the taker! But I was born a giver and old habits are hard to break. So I live my life being miserable, and that is what I truly am right now.
God, help me!
Well, I think I have vented quite enough!
And I'd really better get back to work.
Thanks for listening....
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| I liked it so much the first time, I came back for seconds! |
[09 Dec 2003|09:18am] |
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Well, my husband is back home. And I am relieved, knowing he is okay. I do love him, but we are kinda just acting like everything is okay, which is really an unrealistic way to be! But I suppose, it is better than arguing. (?)
I was very pleased with the response I got from writing yesterday! Thanks to all! It is nice to know that there are others out there who care! And this is a great place to just....say whatever is on your mind! (with no arguments!!)
My daughter is in her room typing away on her computer. She is a very eloquent writer, as is my son Jason. I, on the other hand,will probably just ramble on with no sense of direction. That is how my mind works! A scary thought, but true!
I am in a kind of blah mood. I don't know if it is the weather, it was pretty cloudy today, or if it is the fact that my monthly visitor is coming. That does all sorts of crazy things to my hormones. Like I do stupid things, like I talk backwards! Yesterday I told Jason that Barry Manilow is going to be on "Grill and Wace" this week! I mean, what is that?? And if you knew how bad I am typing - if I didn't correct my mistakes, well, you just wouldn't be able to read this!!
At my job, which is working in the office of a septic company - I work alone on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So, today was pretty quiet, other than the occassional customer calling to complain they couldn't use their toilets! True, it is a crappy job, but the people I work for are great! I have been there going on 4 years and if I hadn't found this job when I came to Florida, my opinion of this place might not be the same.
I miss California though!! I miss Jason most of all, and my brothers and sisters and extended family of course, but I really miss the mountains!! There are no mountains in Florida!! And the humidity here totally sucks!! I can't stand it and complain about it all the time! However, this time of year is really nice and the humidity isn't quite so bad, but when that happens, then the traffic here becomes unbearable!! Everyone coming down from the north. But what can you do? You take the good with the bad, I guess.
The excitement of my evening has been watching "The Simple Life". It made me laugh out loud! That was a good thing,huh? I lead a really dull life though, honestly. I go to work at 7am and if I am lucky, I will work till 4pm, but I usually work a bit later. I don't mind staying at work late at all. Except on Mondays and Fridays - due to this woman I work with named Libby. I won't even get started with her, but I will warn in advance - you will hear that name again!!!
Emmet is watching "Celebrity Poker Showdown". We are reality TV junkies. We watched Paradise Hotel faithfully, both Joe Millionaires, Elimidate and Blind Date. We never got into the Bachelor or Survivor, but the very best is American Idol!! I look forward to the next season, which I heard will be starting next month!
I have 2 American Idols in my family (Amber and Jason) and 2 in my extended family (Don and Amy). They are all really talented!!
I don't mean to not include Bobby, my middle son. He lives in Ft Myers, FL - about 80 miles from Sarasota. He works for his girlfriend's dad's carpet cleaning company. He and his girlfriend, Brandy, have just officially moved in together. They have been together for 2 years. Bobby is 21 and Brandy just turned 18 this year. I am not sure how her parents feel about this, but I do know that they love Bobby. Everybody does! He is just really sweet, and easy going. You would just have to know him, to know he is a great guy!
You will hear alot about Amber, since she is living here with me in the same house. And Jason, my far-away son, and my baby!! He is a momma's boy - even he will admit it!! (I hope!)
Well, I am beginning to believe I have carpal-tunnel (did I spell that right?). My wrist is killing me, so I will go for now.
Amy, if you read this, please add yourself to my friend list, cuz I don't know how to do it! (And Don too)
I have a feeling I will be back tomorrow....
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| First Time.... |
[08 Dec 2003|07:05pm] |
This is my first entry, so bear with me (whoever may read this!) I am here because my son raves about livejournal! My daughter and other son also are regulars here and Jason thought this might be a good outlet for me.
First of all, let me tell you about myself. My greatest accomplishment are my 3 kids: Amber, Bobby and Jason. They are all so special and unique and I love them dearly. I pretty much raised them on my own, but they have some wonderful grandparents and their dad does love them, in his own special way. I wish I could have given them more - materialistically (is that a word?), but I hope that they know that they have always been loved. I have made mistakes, more than a few! But I am so proud of the people they have grown up to be!
The thing that I am most proud of is that each of them are their own person, and they accept others as they are without judging. I hope they learned that from me! (I'll take credit for it!!)
So, let me also mention that 2 of my 3 kids are gay. That can be a startling revelation! But I really just want them to be happy. Of course, I think it only human of me to wonder - did I do something to cause this? I don't think it is a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but to say the least, it is not the norm! Like I said, they are their own people!
Let me also mention Don! He is my other son! He and Jason have been best friends since forever, and I love him like my own too! He is wonderful and I am proud of him too! And so grateful that God brought him to our family!
Now it is time that I mention my husband! Well, this story gets even more interesting now! I am 42years old (43 next month! ew!!) and my husband, Emmet, will be 25 at the end of this month! He is a year older than my daughter, Amber! And, (get ready, Jerry Springer)we met on the internet in a chat room 4 years ago. Emmet is from Ireland and we are like totally opposite in so many ways! He is Irish and I am Mexican/Japanese and some other stuff! I am old, he is young! I am fat, he is thin! People usually tend to like me, and people don't generally like him! I could go on and on...
But we love each other. But lately, I have been asking myself - is love really enough?
We married 2 1/2 years ago (have been living together for nearly 4 years)- because we love each other,first and foremost, and to help him get legal status here in America. He came here in 1999 and just stayed, even though he was supposed to go back to Ireland 3 months after he came. And since 9/11, it is really a pain in the ass with immigration! He had a authorization to work card that expired on July 1st,and even though the renewal fee has been paid, he still has not received a new one. His social security card states that it is only valid with his work permit - so he cannot work right now. Actually, he has only worked like 2 - 3 months this whole year and not much more last year! This is hard not only financially, but I have alot of resentment towards him! I know that makes me sound like a total bitch, but it's just not fair! He stays up all night and sleeps all day. And lately, he just pisses me off being in the same room with him! He's been trying to do things for me and has been really sweet,and Sunday morning I told him I was just sick of him. I was really ugly to him and I haven't seen him since. He took off walking and didn't even take his jacket and it was only 37 degrees outside! I haven't heard from him at all and I know I hurt his feelings badly. I have no clue as to where he is now. I feel pretty shitty for being like that to him, but in a way I feel I had good reason. There are alot more details that I won't go into now.
Well, since I have rambled on and on, I think I will stop for now. I have vented enough...
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